I just got tenure at a research university. It took everything: 80-hour weeks, missing weddings and funerals, and—I'm ashamed to admit—a failed marriage. My ex said I "chose my career over us." Now I'm on the other side. I have the job I always wanted. But I'm 35, single, and wondering if I want children. If I do, the window is closing. If I don't, I need to make peace with that now. My mother tells me I "have it all" and should be grateful. My sister (stay-at-home mom, three kids) says I "missed the point." My therapist says there are no wrong choices. I find none of this helpful. Was the sacrifice worth it? Can I have both a meaningful career AND a family, or is that a lie we tell young women? If I have to choose, how do I choose? — Tenured But Lonely in Tucson
Career sacrifice and family. Marie Curie's dedication meets Abigail Adams' partnership wisdom.
I just got tenure at a research university. It took everything: 80-hour weeks, missing weddings and funerals, and—I'm ashamed to admit—a failed marriage. My ex said I "chose my career over us." Now I'm on the other side. I have the job I always wanted. But I'm 35, single, and wondering if I want children. If I do, the window is closing. If I don't, I need to make peace with that now. My mother tells me I "have it all" and should be grateful. My sister (stay-at-home mom, three kids) says I "missed the point." My therapist says there are no wrong choices. I find none of this helpful. Was the sacrifice worth it? Can I have both a meaningful career AND a family, or is that a lie we tell young women? If I have to choose, how do I choose? — Tenured But Lonely in Tucson
Marie Curie
"Nothing in life is to be feared, only to be understood—including your own choices"
40 votes
Abigail Adams
"A strong partnership requires two independent minds united in purpose"
39 votes
79 votes total
Full Positions
From Pierre Curie
"Nothing in life is to be feared, only to be understood—including your own choices"
I too sacrificed much for my work, and I too was told I was wrong to do so. One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done. Your tenure is an achievement. But achievements do not keep you warm. Only you can decide what remains to be done.
From Abigail Adams and Her Times
"A strong partnership requires two independent minds united in purpose"
I maintained my identity while supporting my husband's world-changing work—and he supported mine. The question is not career OR family, but what kind of partnership would honor both. Your ex may not have been the right partner. That does not mean partnership itself is impossible.