I'm 34 and everyone around me is getting married except me. I've had three serious relationships that all ended around the two-year mark when I "got cold feet." My therapist says I have an avoidant attachment style. My mother says I'm "too picky." Here's the thing: in each relationship, I noticed red flags early on that I ignored because I wanted it to work. Then later, I couldn't unsee them. My ex before last was condescending about my job. The one before that was still emotionally enmeshed with his mother. My most recent ex was kind but we had nothing to talk about. My friends say no one is perfect and I need to "learn to compromise." But am I being too picky, or am I actually seeing clearly when others are settling? How do I know if my standards are healthy or self-protective sabotage? — Clear-Eyed or Cold-Hearted in Chicago
Standards in love. Jane Austen's clear-eyed judgment meets George Eliot's acceptance of complexity.
I'm 34 and everyone around me is getting married except me. I've had three serious relationships that all ended around the two-year mark when I "got cold feet." My therapist says I have an avoidant attachment style. My mother says I'm "too picky." Here's the thing: in each relationship, I noticed red flags early on that I ignored because I wanted it to work. Then later, I couldn't unsee them. My ex before last was condescending about my job. The one before that was still emotionally enmeshed with his mother. My most recent ex was kind but we had nothing to talk about. My friends say no one is perfect and I need to "learn to compromise." But am I being too picky, or am I actually seeing clearly when others are settling? How do I know if my standards are healthy or self-protective sabotage? — Clear-Eyed or Cold-Hearted in Chicago
Jane Austen
"True happiness in relationships requires both affection AND respect—never settle"
37 votes
George Eliot
"See people in their full complexity—villains have virtues, heroes have flaws"
40 votes
77 votes total
Full Positions
From The Letters of Jane Austen: Selected from the compilation of her great nephew, Edward, Lord Bradbourne
"True happiness in relationships requires both affection AND respect—never settle"
Your own judgment may be the most unreliable narrator, but that does not mean it is always wrong. Condescension, enmeshment, lack of connection—these are not minor flaws to overlook. The question is whether you are seeing clearly or looking for reasons to flee.
From George Eliot; a Critical Study of Her Life, Writings and Philosophy
"See people in their full complexity—villains have virtues, heroes have flaws"
The growing good of the world depends on unhistoric acts by those who lived faithfully a hidden life. Perfect partners do not exist. The question is not whether someone has flaws, but whether you can grow together despite them. Perhaps your clarity is also a wall.