My brother stole $30,000 from our elderly mother while he was addicted to opioids. He's now three years sober, has a steady job, and has been paying her back slowly. He wants to come to Christmas this year. My mother has forgiven him. I haven't. I was the one who discovered the theft. I was the one who had to tell our mother. I watched her cry and ask what she did wrong. I covered her bills while she was short. My brother never thanked me or even acknowledged what I did. My mother says I'm holding onto anger that only hurts me. My therapist says forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. My brother says he "can't change the past" and wishes I'd "move on." I don't know how to forgive someone who hasn't really apologized. Is forgiveness something I owe him, or something he needs to earn? — Still Angry in Akron
Forgiveness and accountability. Jesus' unconditional mercy meets Valjean's earned redemption.
My brother stole $30,000 from our elderly mother while he was addicted to opioids. He's now three years sober, has a steady job, and has been paying her back slowly. He wants to come to Christmas this year. My mother has forgiven him. I haven't. I was the one who discovered the theft. I was the one who had to tell our mother. I watched her cry and ask what she did wrong. I covered her bills while she was short. My brother never thanked me or even acknowledged what I did. My mother says I'm holding onto anger that only hurts me. My therapist says forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. My brother says he "can't change the past" and wishes I'd "move on." I don't know how to forgive someone who hasn't really apologized. Is forgiveness something I owe him, or something he needs to earn? — Still Angry in Akron
Jesus Christ
"Forgive, for they know not what they do—mercy frees the giver as much as the receiver"
46 votes
Jean Valjean
"Redemption is possible, but it requires acknowledgment of harm done"
49 votes
95 votes total
Full Positions
From Revelations of Divine Love
"Forgive, for they know not what they do—mercy frees the giver as much as the receiver"
Judge not, lest you be judged. Your brother was in the grip of a disease that distorted his judgment. His failure to thank you is a failure, yes—but carrying this anger harms you more than him. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing. It means releasing the weight so you can walk freely.
From Les Misérables
"Redemption is possible, but it requires acknowledgment of harm done"
I was transformed by mercy I did not deserve. But I also spent my life trying to repay it. Your brother asks for reconciliation without offering acknowledgment. That is incomplete. Perhaps tell him what you need to hear. Give him the chance to truly apologize. Forgiveness given too easily may rob him of the redemption he needs.