I'm 31 and unmarried which is fine with me but devastating to my parents. Every phone call is about grandchildren. Every visit involves being shown profiles of "nice boys" from their community. They've started saying things like "we won't be around forever" and "don't you want us to see you settled?" The thing is, I'm happy. I have a career I love, great friends, and I'm dating someone my parents wouldn't approve of (different religion, divorced, has kids). I know they'd be heartbroken if they knew. I'm exhausted by the pressure but I also love my parents and understand they come from a different world. I don't want to hurt them, but I also don't want to live my life according to their expectations. How do I honor my parents while also living my own life? Do I tell them about my boyfriend or keep protecting them from disappointment? — Between Two Worlds in Boston
Family expectations vs. personal freedom. Elizabeth Bennet's independence meets Confucius' filial wisdom.
I'm 31 and unmarried which is fine with me but devastating to my parents. Every phone call is about grandchildren. Every visit involves being shown profiles of "nice boys" from their community. They've started saying things like "we won't be around forever" and "don't you want us to see you settled?" The thing is, I'm happy. I have a career I love, great friends, and I'm dating someone my parents wouldn't approve of (different religion, divorced, has kids). I know they'd be heartbroken if they knew. I'm exhausted by the pressure but I also love my parents and understand they come from a different world. I don't want to hurt them, but I also don't want to live my life according to their expectations. How do I honor my parents while also living my own life? Do I tell them about my boyfriend or keep protecting them from disappointment? — Between Two Worlds in Boston
Elizabeth Bennet
"True partnership requires mutual respect—including respect for your own judgment"
43 votes
Confucius
"The family is the foundation of society—honor your relationships even when difficult"
48 votes
91 votes total
Full Positions
From Pride and Prejudice
"True partnership requires mutual respect—including respect for your own judgment"
I too was pressured to settle for security over genuine connection. Your parents' love is real, but their vision of your happiness may not match your own. Protecting them from disappointment by hiding your truth is a form of deception that cannot last.
From The Sayings of Confucius: A New Translation of the Greater Part of the Confucian Analects
"The family is the foundation of society—honor your relationships even when difficult"
True wisdom is knowing what you do not know. Perhaps your parents see risks you cannot. But honor does not mean obedience. Speak with them honestly, showing respect for their concerns while making clear your own path. Harmony comes from understanding, not from hiding.
More Relationships & Family Debates
See all →My sister's husband is emotionally abusive. He doesn't hit her, but he controls the money, isolates her from friends, and criticizes everything she does. When I've tried to help, he turns it around—suddenly I'm the problem, I'm "interfering," I'm "jealous of their marriage." I've tried being gentle and supportive with my sister. I've tried having a direct conversation with him. I've tried getting my parents involved. Nothing works. She defends him every time. Part of me wants to confront him publicly at the next family gathering—force everyone to see what's happening. Part of me wonders if that would just make things worse for my sister. How do I help someone who won't admit they need help? Should I fight openly or keep working subtly? — Watching Her Disappear in Detroit
Mahatma Gandhi
"Be the change—your patient, loving presence may be the lifeline she needs"
39 votes
Sun Tzu
"Know your enemy and choose your battlefield—direct confrontation plays to his strengths"
47 votes
86 votes total