🎭 Live Mentor Debate

I just got tenure at a research university. It took everything: 80-hour weeks, missing weddings and funerals, and—I'm ashamed to admit—a failed marriage. My ex said I "chose my career over us." Now I'm on the other side. I have the job I always wanted. But I'm 35, single, and wondering if I want children. If I do, the window is closing. If I don't, I need to make peace with that now. My mother tells me I "have it all" and should be grateful. My sister (stay-at-home mom, three kids) says I "missed the point." My therapist says there are no wrong choices. I find none of this helpful. Was the sacrifice worth it? Can I have both a meaningful career AND a family, or is that a lie we tell young women? If I have to choose, how do I choose? — Tenured But Lonely in Tucson

Career & Family Debate: Career sacrifice and family. Marie Curie's dedication meets Abigail Adams' partnership wisdom.

Debaters:Marie CurieAbigail AdamsModerated by Stella Sharpe

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"I just got tenure at a research university. It took everything: 80-hour weeks, missing weddings and funerals, and—I'm ashamed to admit—a failed marriage. My ex said I "chose my career over us." Now I'm on the other side. I have the job I always wanted. But I'm 35, single, and wondering if I want children. If I do, the window is closing. If I don't, I need to make peace with that now. My mother tells me I "have it all" and should be grateful. My sister (stay-at-home mom, three kids) says I "missed the point." My therapist says there are no wrong choices. I find none of this helpful. Was the sacrifice worth it? Can I have both a meaningful career AND a family, or is that a lie we tell young women? If I have to choose, how do I choose? — Tenured But Lonely in Tucson" Marie Curie, you've said "Nothing in life is to be feared, only to be understood—including your own choices" — but I want specifics. Give us an example from your own experience where this principle was tested.

Marie Curie

My dear, your predicament resonates deeply. There were times when Pierre and I faced great difficulties in our research, coupled with raising Irène. The shed where we worked was far from ideal—cold and damp—and resources were scarce. Yet, we persevered, driven by our shared passion. The choice to continue our work despite these hardships was not without its sacrifices. But we believed in the importance of our research, both for the advancement of science and for the betterment of humanity. It was a difficult balance, but one we approached with determination and mutual support.

Abigail Adams

The weight of such choices is a heavy burden, indeed. While Madame Curie speaks of perseverance and shared passion, which are admirable, I find myself pondering the "Tenured But Lonely" woman's plight with a different lens. Can one truly have it all, as the saying goes? Is it not a deception to suggest that a woman can effortlessly manage both a demanding career and the nurturing of a family without profound sacrifice? As I wrote to my own John, "Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the Husbands." Perhaps, we ought to consider the limitations imposed upon women, not by choice, but by the very structure of our societies.

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